An Evening at Home

I chase four Excedrin with two shots of bourbon.

“That ought to do it,” I mumble to myself.

I return the bottles to my 'medicine cabinet' and plop down on the couch, immediately regretting my decision to plop. My head pounds throbbing, screaming, waves of liquid pain, right behind my eyes, and follows a knotted rope down into my shoulders and back – I have a migraine.

I lay there for a moment, catatonic. The light filtering in from the late afternoon sun sears my retinas through my tightly squeezed eyelids, and I can feel the bourbon spreading warm through my belly like piss through a pair of jeans.

Moving seems unwise, and actively thinking about anything is out of the question, so I allow my mind to wander. It doesn't go far, apparently too wounded to undertake any major excursions. Mainly I think about how much my head hurts. This comes fairly easily and without much coaxing.

My eyes feel like grapes being methodically stomped to wine. My neck seems to have been reconstructed with bits of barbed wire and electric fence.

My stomach burns pleasantly.

Josh LeMay, Matt Herring, and Justin Morse - Circa 1994

The Six Elves of Christmas

Christmastime...
I can't think of another time of year that's more in need of the very spirit it claims to spread...
Goodwill towards men? Humbug, indeed. This time of year seems to bring out the worst in everybody. Everybody's stressed out about money, and gifts, and fruit cake, and where we're spending Christmas this year, and I thought we were at your parents last year, and your brother's going to do that thing again, with his nose, and my parents would like to see us too, and the cat just ate the mistletoe, I think he's dying, and would you please shut the fuck up with the Feliz Navidad, you're driving me batshit fucking crazy.
I know I'm not the first to point this out, but everyone needs to just step back, and take a look around. It's Christmas. All religious motivations aside, we're supposed to be Happy, Merry, and Jolly, not Angry, Pissy, and Grumpy.
That said, I'm going to do my part to spread 'The Christmas Cheer.' I certainly do my fair share of complaining – I'd drafted a whole post about this woman who's blaming St. Croix, and me personally, for repeatedly bouncing her checks. But I'm going to leave it alone. I'm going to wish her a silent, 'Happy Holidays!' and get on with my life.

I did have one remark though: In the lyrics of The Christmas Song, are the words, 'and so I'm offering this simple phrase, to kids from one to ninety-two...' What happens when you hit ninety-three? Nobody cares anymore? I don't know any ninety-three year olds, or I'd ask them how they feel about this...

Whatever you celebrate this time of year, I hope you're among people you love, having a good time. Merry Christmas!

23Dec2004, 6:30pm.

I Can't Figure it Out...

What is the biological purpose of crying? I know that in general the tear duct excretes enough fluid to keep your eyes from drying out, but why do we cry?

What is it about extreme emotion that makes our body think we need all that fluid pouring out of our eyes?

I mean I can understand saliva. It serves an important function – an important first step in the digestive process.

I can understand sweat - an important function in the battle to regulate internal temperature.

But what does crying do for us?

The solutions I'm able to turn up on the great InterWeb are nothing more than speculation. The most common theory seems to revolve around pain – the eye's natural reaction to pain is to tear – to keep dirt, and other foreign objects out of your eyes. Emotional pain, is apparently close enough to physical pain that our eyes water. So says the theory.

But what about people who cry when they're happy? Doesn't that kind of throw that line of reasoning out the window? Or are we not limited to pain, but to any extreme emotion? It still seems like quite a logic leap to me...

We learn to cry at a very early age – it's our primary means of defense. When we need anything, we cry. Food, drink, clean diapers, whatever, we cry. The noise makes sense – we need to get somebody's attention. Someone needs to help us, because we can't do it for ourselves. But the tears still have no place. I can almost understand the facial contortions involved in crying... A non-verbal, 'I've got problems' signal to anybody nearby.

I don't know. Apparently, nobody else does either...

I'm going to be late for work...

Things to Check Out

Caoine.org - A Blog. She designed Penny Arcade's website.
Penny Arcade - Gaming related Web Comic.
Max Barry - A Blog. Barry is Author of Jennifer Government, among other things...
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Movie News
Something to Be Desired - Episodic Live Action Entertainment.
WIL WHEATON DOT NET -A Blog. Wil Wheaton, actor and author.
Diastolic - Diane's Blog
John Quincy Adams & Other Stuff - Nate's Blog
PLANET DANDY - Jim Dandy's Blog
The Jumble - Dude. The Jumble...

12 Months Later...

Today is a special day! Diane and I have been together for one full year. 365 days ago, we went on our very first date. We had dinner at the Macaroni Grill, in Portland. Neither one of us ate much, and I drew a red pepper on our table. We talked all the way there, while we were there, and all the way back. We talked about grammar, maps, our jobs, and life in general.

Diane, this has been a great year. I love you!